Stupid JustARGH!
by MyNameIsBlinky
Summary: A collection of one-shots, some fluffy, some funny, and some a combination of both, and some neither! Leave any ideas in the reviews and there will be no lemons, but maybe a lime. Rating subject to change, based on most recent "drabble" only.
1. My chocolate!

**This is just something that...happened. I'm not even sure anymore! By the way...**

 **Disclaimer!**

 **Mello: She doesn't own Death Note.**

 **Matt: Why are you doing this for her?**

 **Mello: She used my love of chocolate against me. Never has a 13 year old girl ever been so terrifying to me...**

 **Near: Well...I actually quite like her.**

 **Mello: FREAK!**

 **Matt: She plays video games with me! :3**

 **So ya. Enjoy~**

 **By the way, if it's a whole line of dialogue in italics and not just one word italicized for emphasis, then it is said in English.**

* * *

Mello cracked his chocolate. _Crack!_

 _Crack!_

He licked it several times before taking another bite. The chocolate was in his mouth when the door opened suddenly.

"Hey, Mels. Do you know where Light hid my GameBoy?" Matt burst in, interrupting Mello in the middle of eating his chocolate.

"Uh...no...who's Light?"Mello asked, as he had only known Light as _"L's friend._ _"_ He didn't know his name or anything. He only knew his face because Light had arrested him. L was not proud of Mello, to say the least. But that's a whole other story. Anyway, even if Mello _had_ learnt Light's name, he wouldn't have remembered it.

"Wait...seriously...you got arrested by him and you don't know his name?" Matt asked, incredulously. " _You're incredible..._ "

 _"Oh! You mean the_ _guy who was pretending to be L whilst under the pretense that he was dead? Well, I wouldn't know his motives! I swear! He's a bloody psychopath!"_ Mello exclaimed in reply.

 _"Mello...he hid my GameBoy...and stole your chocolate..."_ Matt explained. That element of the predicament showed Mello the severity of the predicament. After all, Mello's chocolate was his lifeline, and Mello was pretty sure that Matt's GameBoy was his.

"LIGHT!" Mello bellowed, shocking everyone in the building. "IF YOU DON'T COME HERE AND GIVE BACK ANY STOLEN ITEMS-" Mello paused for good measure-"WELL...LET'S JUST SAY THAT I'M NOT THE ONE GETTING HURT!" Mello stormed off, with Matt tailing closely behind.

* * *

 _Meanwhile, in the Task Fo_ _rce office_

"Well, Light Yagami. It looks like the jig is up. It certainly was fun while it lasted." Near gloated.

"It was only fun because this was your idea! OK, eating Mello's chocolate was pretty fun, but _still!_ What did Matt ever do to us?!" Misa exclaimed.

"I will assume full responsibility." Near replied, simply.

"I will exit the room for the part where Mello gets angry." L said, getting out of his chair and exiting the room.

"Hehe...looks like I beat all of Matt's highscores. He'll kill me when he gets back." Light chuckled, waving Matt's GameBoy about before setting it on the table. "You know, you're right. Hiding things in your shirt is good strategy." Near nodded.

"You guys are thieves, you know!" Matt yelled. "This isn't funny!" Matt burst into the room, denting the walls around the doorway. Mello shot in from behind Matt, coming close to knocking him down, as Mello dashed up to Light and grabbed his shirt collar.

"Give. Me. Back. My. Chocolate. Now." Mello snarled menacingly, Light's shirt collar tightly in his grasp. He pulled Light out of his seat, as he was just tall enough to pull Light off of his feet by his collar.

"Excuse me, Mello. Before you kill Light, please consider that it was my idea." Near interrupted emotionlessly, not turning from his now fairly sizeable card tower. "And it was Misa who had eaten your chocolate."

"You annoying, arrogant little prick!" Mello yelled, throwing Light down and stomping over to where Near was seated. Near did not even flinch as Mello glowered over him. And with a swift kick, all of Near's hard work in building his card tower could be considered wasted, as the cards tumbled to the floor.

Near scowled, clenching his fists and teeth. "You...you..." He quickly unclenched his fists, and his face reverted to its normal appearance. You could say that he had put his "mask" back on. However, it was painfully obvious to anyone watching (especially Matt, who had regained his GameBoy) that he was seething with anger-no- _rage._

"Heh. Now you know what it's like to be mad as hell, Near." Matt joked, lighting a new cigarette. "Hey! These aren't my highscores! Who beat them?!"

"...hehe...bwaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" They all turned to see a certain super-ditz cackling as she broke one of Near's robots. "And that's what you get for making me go over my daily calorie count!"

"..."

* * *

 **Aaand done~! Hope you enjoyed it! Leave suggestions in the reviews and...**

 **Baii~!**


	2. Kancho

**Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Death Note. I promise you that I am not Tsugumi Ohba. I am simply a bored girl.**

 **L: Kira was also bored.**

 **Me: Kuhehehehehe~**

 **L: ...your Kira percentage has increased by 1%...**

* * *

Light was innocently sitting at his computer in the Task Force office, looking through records for possible leads as to who could be Kira, when he and several others who were in the room heard a shout.

"DAMNIT, MATSUDA!" shouted a baritone, lazy sounding voice. "I WAS ABOUT TO BEAT MY HIGHSCORE!" This little piece of information revealed to everyone listening that Matsuda had done something to make Matt die in a video game.

"Matsuda! What did you do this time?!" Aizawa asked angrily, as Matsuda ran into the room, smiling and giggling like a little kid.

"Ahaha! You'll see~!" Matsuda replied cheerfully, sitting next to Aizawa and chuckling. Matt stormed into the room about 2 seconds later, visibly upset and waving his GameBoy around.

"HEYYYYY SEE?! DO YOU SEE?! DO YOU _SEE?!_ " Matt shout-asked. "HE MADE ME DIE IN THE VIDEO GAME BEFORE I COULD BEAT MY HIGHSCORE!"

"OK...how did he make you die in the game?" asked a somewhat annoyed Aizawa. He was scowling.

"He touched my butt!" Matt exclaimed, extremely irritated. "It's not the butt part that I'm mad about, though. It's the fact that- Matsuda, don't-"

"KANCHO!" Matsuda exclaimed cheerfully, causing L to topple from his chair, as he had just been given the Kancho.

"Matsuda!" Chief Yagami and Aizawa yelled in unison.

"What...was...that...?" L asked, slightly freaked out that this guy who's, like, twice his age just touched his butt. Even more so, he jabbed right in the middle of...nevermind. You know what the Kancho is, right?

"Ryuzaki, kancho is a childish prank where someone tries to shove their fingers up an unsuspecting person's butt, and is usually only performed by children. Usually." Light explained, looking pointedlu at Matsuda. L, being English, has never been kanchoed before and has never heard about kancho.

"...isn't that sexual assault?" Near interjected, waving an airplane around. "*cough* Pervert *cough*"

"...yes...it seems so..." L muttered, getting back up onto the chair. "I usually find perverted jokes funny, but this one is a little over the top. Of course...perhaps Matsuda thought that I'd find that funny as well because I am quite childish."

"Matsuda..." Matt sighed rested his head in one hand, which is a serious anime's version of a facepalm. "Why are you so stupid...

* * *

 **Kancho is only funny when you are not the butt (ha, ha) of the joke. I know this from experience.**


	3. Yaoi Doujinshis are worse than snuff

**I have a beta reader now! ThatSassAngel, I am very greatful. :3 I love you guys~**

* * *

L was on his computer, looking at evidence, when someone tapped his shoulder. L turned around slowly to see the trembling body of a horrified Matsuda. _What could have been so important that he would be unable to wait to bother me? Oh no...did something happen that I did not see? No...that's impossible! All data would have been cleared! This is Matsuda that we're talking about! There's no way that it would be so important!_

"Why are you bothering me? Can you not see that I'm quite busy? What is it?" L placed the spoon that he was using to eat his ice cream on the table.

"Well..." Matsuda fidgeted. "If you're going to react that way, then it better...no...Ryuzaki, do you have any bleach?" Matsuda asked, looking hopeful.

"Yes...it's in the bathroom...in the cupboard under the sink." L replied, incredibly annoyed. Is that all that he was going to ask me? Wait... A strange, but not entirely impossible thought hit L in the back of his mind that made him add, "...Why?

Matsuda put his hand behind his head and smiled the anime smile that was only possible for him and Misa then replied with, "I kinda need to pour it in my eyes." L nearly choked on his own saliva at this response. _How stupid! Why would he wish to do that? He'll go blind! Unless there is something that he wishes to unsee...but what would he need to unsee so badly that he would risk blinding himself to unsee? He is in the NPA...now I'm curious..._

"Matsuda...why would you do that?" L inquired, thumbing his teeth.

"I need to...uh...unsee something." Matsuda replied, awkwardly.

"Ah...what do you need to unsee that you would risk blindness to unsee? Please, show me. I am curious." Matsuda paled at L's query in obvious terror. "Well? I've seen many horrifying things in my time, Matsuda. I am certain that it will not shock me." L added, in reply to Matsuda's apparent discomfort.

"Are you...sure?" Matsuda asked, sheepishly. "It's...bad..."

"Yes, I am sure. I never say that-" L's reply to Matsuda's sheepish question was interrupted by the screams of a young boy and an older man, sounding much like Soichiro Yagami.

"What was that?!" Matsuda shouted. He had obviously been shocked at the sudden commotion.

"Mr. Matsuda..." muttered a small white haired boy, tugging at Matsuda's sleeve. "Why did you leave such things on your computer screen? I am fairly certain that it has sent Mr. Yagami into a panic attack, if not a full-on heart attack."

Mello stormed into the room. "Matsuda!" he shouted assertively. "What the hell did I just see on your computer?!"

"Now this truly makes me curious." L stated, shocking everyone before exiting the room.

L pushed open the door to Matsuda's room, knowing the key code. He walked towards where the opened laptop lay on the desk; prepared for the worst, most disturbed, gory image, or even a snuff film.

But what he saw instead, he could never have prepared for in a thousand years. He started backing away, slowly, face flushed, not knowing whether to feel enraged or completely mortified.

On Matsuda's computer screen was a collection of yaoi doujinshi involving him and Light, among...others.


	4. L's e-mail problems

**Hello everyone! This one-shot came to me in the middle of the night while I was pondering why L takes only cases that interest him, and I wanna get it out of my head...this made me also think about Yandere Dev's e-mail issues, and the massive explosion of emails that he recieves, and all the murders and other cases in the world that he takes using his other detective codes, and the fact that there are millions, perhaps** ** _billions_** **of potential cases that he could take using his 3 identities. He has to be contacted _somehow,_ and perhaps in a manner similar to Yandere Dev's predicament (through Watari, obviously). Also, no PI wants to become a crutch of the law, because what would happen if something were to happen to him? This takes place before L set the specifications of what cases be would take other than them having to be cases that you can't solve yourself, because I've always felt that he took _all of the cases_ that he recieved early in his career until he got too many emails, as well as enough renown to be more choosy in what cases he takes...also, since the Death Note plot hasn't happened (yet), I have it taking place in 2016...because why not? So...from these thoughts came the concept of this story. Enjoy and please review to my shit. It makes me happy.**

 **Dedication: This story is dedicated to Yandere Dev.**

* * *

L Lawleit logged into his private email after yet another case, trying to fine another case to work on. After all, it's his job. He opened his e-mail inbox to find no fewer than fourteen thousand, eight hundred and eight new emails forwarded to him through Watari's e-mail within the last 24 hours. _Hmm...Did I read that number correctly?! 14,808 unread e-mails?!_ L checked the number once, twice, and even a third time before deciding that he was not hallucinating, this was in fact the actual number of e-mails that he'd recieved. He had Watari filter out the ones that weren't murders, or just trolls (however, he had Watari send the missing persons cases and smaller murder cases, through seperate e-mail addresses, to his Coil and Daneuve accounts, respectively.), but this was still waytoo many emails to handle. Way, way, _way_ too many emails. _Woah..._ _how long is this going to take? I'd better take the ones that were sent earliest, and hope that I don't get any new e-mails anytime soon...that would be absolutely disasterous_ _...I'd better get started, then..._

And so he spent the next 14 hours reading e-mails, sorting out which ones were elaborately designed trolls, cases that the law enforcement could figure out themselves (Repeat after me, Attorney General: L is not a crutch. L is not a crutch. L is not a crutch. Sincerely, the man who is not your crutch.), and other, completely trivial cases titled "Murder" that were created simply by people attempting to get L to put surveillance on their lover whom they believe to be cheating on them. (Dear Celebrities: I am not Keith Mars. Please stop coming to me about your lover's infidelities. Sincerely, L.) Of course, with 14,000+ new e-mails recieved in 24 hours, Watari has hardly the time to read the titles, let alone read the contents.

L created a single e-mail that Watari was to be forward to all of the rejected cases (of course, he had Watari copy and paste the contents of the e-mail, lest his e-mail address be leaked and exacerbate his already massive e-mail issues), a list of the people who had brought the cases to him in a list sent in a seperate e-mail.

The former e-mail read:

「To all respondents;

I am sorry to inform you that I cannot take on all of the cases that I have recieved. I will contact those who have given me cases that I will look into via phone call.

To the Attorney General:

Please forgive me in saying that not all of the cases that I have been contacted about were very important. I am fairly certain that your department could solve many of these themselves without my assistance, thus I do not wish to assist.

To those who wish me to figure out whether or not your lover is cheating on you:

Please do not contact me again for cases of this sort. I do not wish to hear it. Please Do not do it again. How did you even figure out Watari's e-mail?

To the trolls:

I, personally, find that this conduct is very annoying and simply, in a word, spams up my e-mail inbox. Do not do it again. How did you even recieve Watari's e-mail address?

Sincerely,

L」

L blinked his eyes in a very forced manner before picking up his cell phone to call the Director General of the NPA about a case that he had found to be hard enough to be of interest to him.

* * *

 _24 hours later_

After Watari had sent the e-mail to those who were to be disappointed by his refusal to take them on, he made 400 phone calls and began to actually look at the case files. After looking at each of these case files, he opened up his e-mail inbox to find...

Over 600,000 new e-mails. L's eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw the astronomical figure that appeared in his e-mail inbox. _This is getting out of hand...I swear that I had read all of my e-mails before! Why is this happening? Hmm..._

L clicked through several thousand e-mails before determining that 90% of the...what do you call this...explosion of e-mails had been from angry respondents to the cases that he had rejected. He needed to set some standards. And fast. There were only ridiculous, easy, or troll cases in his e-mail inbox.

Watari obviously hadn't had the time to look through 600,000 e-mails.

"Watari...I think that I need new standards on what cases I'm going to take. This is absolutely ridiculous."

* * *

 **Yeah...please leave a review if you like it (or if you don't)...I'll be happy either way!**


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